DE HABER SABIDO

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La primera vez que la vi, pudo ser la última. Hoy tendría que hacer un esfuerzo importante si quisiera recordar qué día era o por qué acababa siempre allí a esas horas con un frío que cortaba el rostro. Las calles estrechas, desiertas, donde, inconscientemente, siempre me refugiaba después de despertarme empapado en sudor tras sufrir una de esas pesadillas que me estaban consumiendo sin el menor atisbo de compasión. Sin embargo, nunca la olvidaré a ella corriendo, su abrigo rojo a merced del viento, su melena rubia obligada a danzar contra su voluntad, un baile que ya anunciaba el terror, la prisa del que huye. Su cara asustada mirando atrás, los ojos castaños, desencajados, enrojecidos del llanto, eso lo supe después y el latigazo que me recorrió la espalda cuando vi su frágil y menudo cuerpo golpeando el capó de un viejo Ford. Seguramente, al volante alguien que conducía a sabiendas que no debía hacerlo. Aquella noche que se empeñaba en desnudar mis miserias me mostró mucho más que un atropello.

Tras el impacto, me vi a mi mismo en una pose ridícula: inmóvil, mudo desde aquella esquina; la mano extendida, un grito ahogado y en mis ojos el reflejo del horror ajeno que sentí tan propio. No hice nada, y esa falta de actuación se sumará burlona a mi colección de temores y aparecerá cada noche para torturarme. Pero, ¿podría haberlo evitado? Quizás mi brazo debió extenderse antes, cuando ella pasó por mi lado, debí agarrar su brazo, tirar de ella, dejar que el viejo coche pasara de largo, pero mi brazo decidió extenderse tarde, cuando ya solo pudo atrapar el aire denso. El puño cerrado, vacío. ¿Era este su destino? La muerte no se planea. Seguramente, el día que abandonamos este mundo no es el mejor día de nuestras vidas, no hemos dicho a nuestra madre cuánto la queremos, no estamos en paz ni preparados para nuestra marcha. No, la muerte no se planea, la vida tampoco. Nos empeñamos en creer que tenemos el control de ella, los menos ambiciosos solo de algún aspecto y lo cierto es que la vida nos abraza y nos pisa y nos mece a su antojo.

Cuando pude reaccionar y correr hacia ella el coche no estaba. Ella tampoco. Me arrodillé a su lado pero solo vi su cuerpo roto, extendido en una pose casi teatral, forzada; el rostro tranquilo, el brazo extendido, la mano abierta y por sus dedos escapando la vida, la suya y la mía. Estaba bonita, pero ella ya no estaba allí, ya no era la chica que remoloneaba en la cama para levantarse, ni la que se acababa tomando el café frío por la mañana. Ya no era la mujer de la que me había enamorado hacía casi seis años y que nos colmaba de besos cada día a mí y a Galán, un galgo negro que había rescatado de la calle con más pulgas que carne y más miedo que huesos y que desde hacía más de cuatro años era el vértice del triángulo perfecto que formábamos los tres.

No sé cuánto tiempo pasó hasta que mis lágrimas nublaron su rostro. Me costó recorrer con la mirada sus labios, finos en apariencia pero gruesos y carnosos al besarme, templados. Me detuve en el colgante de su cuello, una libélula que le regalé por nuestro primer aniversario.

Me atormenta ser consciente de que fue por mi culpa. La imagino despertando a solas en la habitación de nuestro pequeño apartamento, tocando mi lado de la cama probablemente aún húmedo evidenciando que había vuelto a pasar.

La imagino agarrando el largo hocico de Galán, besándolo y diciéndole: vuelvo enseguida, ¿vale? No te preocupes, lo traeré de vuelta a casa.

Solía decirme: Vuelve, vuelve allí por última vez y despídete de esos momentos que te aterran y te hacen regresar cada noche envuelto en sudor y llanto.

Pero no siempre era así. Algunos días, los que en un mes podían contarse con los dedos de una mano, despertaba sin ahogar un grito en la madrugada. En esos días, despierto con la luz que entra por la ventana, contra mi pecho su espalda y voy hurgando con mi nariz en su pelo, aspirando el olor de su champú, la rodeo con mi brazo izquierdo, se gira hacia mí con una sonrisa amplia y ambos nos reímos al ver a Galán estirando su esbelto cuerpo, inclinado hacia adelante y bostezando. Siempre he pensado que Galán no era el único en esa casa de quien ella se había apiadado y yo lo admiraba porque él sí supo olvidar el daño que el tiempo no puede borrar de la piel.

En el hospital, la fría sala de espera. Con el pensamiento turbio por el dolor, la culpa y el cansancio, me cuesta distinguir la realidad de mi imaginación pero creo recordar, como en una de mis pesadillas, que vuelvo a estar en esa esquina, como unas horas atrás, y soy capaz de recordar que me giré hacia la dirección de donde ella venía corriendo, sé que ese momento se quedará grabado en lo más profundo de mi ser, que se unirá a mis pesadillas para seguir burlándose de mí el resto de mis días. Recuerdo su rostro desencajado mirando hacia el vacío, mientras me buscaba a mí, el miedo que le hizo sentir la sombra que vi escabullirse como un fantasma y huir del terrible escenario cuando vio el fatal desenlace.

Veo aparecer a la doctora. Viene hacia mí sujetando algo en las manos. No me levanto. Las piernas abiertas, los codos encima, las manos juntas, entrelazadas. Cuando llega a mí, se agacha para ponerse a mi altura, me entrega el colgante de libélula. Un apretón en el brazo y una sonrisa torcida acompañan a sus palabras: "Se recuperará". Contra mis labios, mi mano se cierra, el puño apretado, atrapando con fuerza el colgante y de nuevo la vida y la oportunidad de olvidar un pasado que debió dejar atrás hace mucho tiempo.

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